As difficult as it may seem, it’s important to realize and remember that your loved one has an addiction. It’s also important to realize that most “coaddicts” (the spouse and family members of the addict) very often have developed coping skills or beliefs that support the addiction. This is hard to hear, but it’s often true. If you hide the truth, look the other way, pretend you don’t know about it, find ways of your own to escape the pain of the addict’s addiction – any of these activities mean you’ve been pulled into the addiction.

Successfully beating the addiction is a combination of individual, group and family therapy. The addict has to unravel their addiction, determine the root cause of their behaviors and beliefs about sex, pornography, themselves, members of the opposite sex, relationships, and much more. As the coaddict, it’s just as important that you also look at these same issues to allow yourself to be healthy in your skin, to know who you are, what you want, what changes you need to make to support the addict, and how you’re going to get through the tough times.

The path to a healthy partner, self, and relationship is not easy – but it’s worth it. Having the life you want is possible. Getting healthy yourself is not only important, it’s critical. You have the right to be as healthy or healthier than those around you. Even if you can’t get your partner to therapy, go yourself.

Coaddicts deserve to live a better life, too.

The first step in setting  a boundary is knowing what you want. How do you do that? Well, if something happens and you’re upset about it, there’s a good chance you’ll want to set a boundary. Think about how things could have been different to give you a better outcome. Now you know what you’d like to happen, so step 1 is complete!

For example, if your spouse comes home after work and starts complaining about the boss, a client, a coworker (whatever) before checking in with  you and the family, and you feel stressed or tense, you may want to ask him/her to check in with you first before diving into the complaints of their day.

Find a time when your spouse has settled down and begin by acknowledging their feelings at the time of the incident. You may say something like, “Honey I know sometimes when you come home and you’ve had a frustrating day you just want to get it out. I appreciate that you feel comfortable doing that and I don’t want that to change.” This let’s your spouse know that you understand and empathize with their situation. Step 2 is complete.

Next, in step 3, tell him/her why their behavior is a problem for you. “When you start in with your day without saying “Hello” to me or the kids, I shut down and feel like I don’t matter to you.” This isn’t a statement of blame and you’re not trying to shame your spouse, it’s simply stating the problem as you are experiencing it.

Finally, in step 4, ask for what you want. Say something like, “I’d like you to say “Hi” or greet me when you come home, take a minute to engage with me and the family before you pour out your day to me. That will get us connected and I’ll be ready to handle it and more helpful to you. Can you do that?”

It’s a 4 step process of Assertiveness:

1. Identify what you want.
2. Validate your partner’s position.
3. State the problem the way you experience it.
4. Ask for what you want.   (4b – Honor your boundaries once you set them!)

In 4b, it’s important the next time your spouse comes home and starts in on his/her day, that you politely remind them of the agreement and ask them to hold off on “ranting” until they check in. If you don’t honor your boundaries, no one else will!

Will this always work? No. Sometimes you’ll ask for something and your partner won’t agree to it. That’s OK – at least now you’re talking about it and the chance to find common ground is possible.

When you’re comfortable with this model, you’ll be able to use it in many areas of your life – with your kids, your coworkers, your parents, your spouse, at restaurants with waiters, when buying a car ….  The possibilities are endless.

The practice of Mindfulness is all about being in the present moment. Enjoying what is happening right here, right now in your life. When our thoughts are constantly in the future, we miss out on the people and experiences of the here-and-now. Worry creates physical problems, too. When your body is in a constant state of worry the hormone cortisol is secreted and your body stays on a heightened state of awareness. Fatigue sets in, sleep is hard to come by (or staying asleep is difficult), and you feel “on edge” most of the time. This does not have to be your new normal.

Here are two tips to try:

Four Square Breathing. In this model of relaxation, the purpose is to slow your racing thoughts and bring them back to the here-and-now. Start by breathing in for a count of 4, then holding your breath for a count of 4, then breathing out for a count of 4, then holding it for a count of 4. Do this routine 4 times.  Try it right now. (Really, try it before reading further.) What did you notice? Your attention should have been on your breathing and counting. What’s the right pace to count so that you don’t hyperventilate? In doing this, you weren’t focusing on the future!  There’s more to this technique, so please read on.

Physical Grounding: When you find your thoughts racing into the future, look around the room (or wherever you are) and start making a list of everything you see. Even say it out loud if you’re alone. “I see white walls, a brown wooden bookshelf, a blue coffee mug half full of brown coffee. I see a black pen laying on a tan-colored wooden desk. There’s a gray cordless phone in the cradle with white buttons.” You get the picture. Much like the 4 Square Breathing exercise the purpose is to take control of your thoughts, slow them down and bring them back to the present. Try it right now and see what happens.

Two things should come out of practice with these exercises. 1) You’ll become more aware of when your thinking gets out of control and becomes anxiety provoking and 2) you’ll learn to use these techniques and control your thought processes.

The final step: Once you bring your thinking back to the present, reengage with what is happening now! Avoid letting your thinking go back to worrying about the future. If it does, try the technique again until you can refocus on the present moment.

Getting control of your thinking is the first step to beating anxiety.

Getting clean and sober is an amazing feeling! Unfortunately many addicts relapse and end up using or falling back into unhealthy behaviors. The following will help you keep from relapsing and, if a friend or family member is addicted, this will help you understand relapse and help them stay sober and a healthy part of your life.

Relapse is often thought of as using again or doing the harmful, addicted behaviors. That’s the last phase in relapse which we refer to as PHYSICAL RELAPSE. There are two phases of relapse that happen before physical relapse. Recognizing these two phases for you or your loved one will help avoid physical relapse.

In the first phase, EMOTIONAL RELAPSE, you start feeling the emotions that your addiction helps keep at bay. This could be more frequent bouts of anger, anxiety, depression, frustration, loneliness, failure, etc. When these emotions come on and you don’t have healthy ways to manage them, it’s easy to drop into the second phase of relapse.

Part of your RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN should be to understand what emotions you struggle with and find healthy ways to handle those emotions.

In the second phase of relapse, MENTAL RELAPSE, you begin to thing about your physical relapse. Your thoughts begin to drift to using or doing the unhealthy behaviors. You might start bargaining with yourself, saying things like, “One time won’t hurt.” or “I’ve been clean for a while, so I know I can handle it now.” or “I’ll just do it this one last time and them I’m done.”  Of course, any of these thoughts are dangerous. It’s your addiction talking, not your sobriety!

Other warning signs in the mental phase might include: fondling recalling the “good times” when you and friends were drinking, getting high or having dangerous sex; imagining yourself in the act of shopping or eating and noticing that you start to feel better; thinking about how you’ll hide it this one last time and not get caught – all of these thoughts are your addiction talking!

By the time you’re in MENTAL RELAPSE the only way to keep from a PHYSICAL RELAPSE is to seek help.  You cannot and should not have to handle this alone. Call the person in your RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN who you’ve already talked to and knows what you need when you make this most important call. This is your lifeline!  If you don’t make this call you’ll more than likely slide down the slippery slope of relapse and lose your sobriety.

You can beat addiction!  People are doing it and working at it every single day.  Understanding these three phases of relapse, and working with a counselor to create a relapse prevention plan, will help ensure you are clean and sober and available to your family and friends.

If you like advice that seems short, sweet and to the point, you’ll like this blog post. There are a whole host of things that could be added, but the bottom line is this:

If you punish your partner/spouse, things don’t get better.

Has your partner said or done something that hurt you?  What has typically been your reaction? The silent treatment? Yelling or blaming? Name calling? Saying things like, “Well you do it too!” Bringing up the past to make them feel bad? Withholding sex or intimacy?

All of these are ways of punishing our partner. If you want things to get better, if you want a problem to go away rather than stick around and fester and get worse, if you want to get on with life – don’t punish.

Punishing is worse than whatever was originally done. Typically I find that if something is said or done that hurts one partner, it was unintentional – an accident or a mistake. When the hurt party punishes, it’s usually intentional.

If your tendency is to punish – stop! If you’re struggling to stop punishing your partner, seek individual or couple’s counseling.

Life is too short to punish your partner.  By the way – when one punishes, both pay.

A great and inspirational message from Nic Askew and Franco Bassetti. Do you wear a mask and pretend to be someone you know, deep down inside, you’re really not?  Do you wonder what might happen if you were honest with yourself and honest with those around you?  Do you feel like you’re living a double life sometimes?

So, on December 31^st or maybe January 1^st we all do it.  The ideas seem great, the commitment is there, the holidays are over and it’s time to get moving!  Since no one makes “bad” resolutions (eat too much this year, gain weight, start smoking!) what is it that keeps these good ideas from sticking?

When I work on goal setting with clients, which is what resolutions really are – goals, the one thing that is typically lacking is resonance.  If you’re not familiar with the term, let me explain.

At dictionary.com, one of the many definitions of resonance is “richness or significance, especially in evoking an association or strong emotion”.  That’s what is lacking in so many of the goals we set or the resolutions we make – and subsequently break.

But what’s so important about resonance in changing our habits?  The resolutions are good ideas.  Everyone knows that.  So what keeps us from actually succeeding in our resolutions?  Let’s look a little deeper.

Eating healthier is a good idea.  Most everyone would agree with that.  So why do we go to the local grocery and buy products laden with high fructose corn syrup, tons of sugars, and artificial everything?  Part of the answer is habit – that’s what we usually buy, that’s what we put on the list, that’s what we eat, and that’s what we “like”.  Part of the answer is that we’ve grown accustomed to eating these foods.  Changing what we buy and what we claim we like to eat could be tough without a significant reason.

Understanding your motivation for wanting change is critical to finding resonance.  Ask yourself, “What’s important about eating healthier?”  A few reasons might pop into your mind including, weight loss and feeling better.

Now ask yourself “What’s important about feeling better?”  Again, a few things might pop into your mind such as being happier or having more energy.  If you ask yourself “What’s important about that?” you’ll begin to get to the real reasons that eating healthier is important and resonant.

Eating healthier because it’s a good idea will only last so long.  (Probably from the first of January until the Superbowl parties at the end of the month!)

Real reasons.  Resonance.  When you find real reasons why making changes in your life brings “richness or significance, especially in evoking an association or strong emotion”, you’re on your way to making lasting change.

Finding resonance in any goal you set – personally or professionally, shared or kept to yourself – will give you drive when the going gets tough and old habits start to pop up.  Chips and snack cakes at the grocery, or feeling better and having more energy?

If you want to find resonance with the changes you’d like to make, let’s talk.  The “new you” lies ahead in the new year!

RICHARD AND JUDY from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

Two of my favorite “business” books are written by Dan & Chip Heath. These two brothers (www.heathbrothers.com) wrote “Make it Stick” (a great marketing book) and “Switch”, a book about change.  It’s a concept from the latter that I would like to share with you here.

When you think of change, a great metaphor is a rider on an elephant!  Sounds crazy, huh?  Read on…

The 200 pound rider represents your intellect. Of course you KNOW you should change. You might even honestly want to change and believe it’s in your best interest. So, day-in and day-out the rider works to guide the elephant along a new path – a better path to get a new and better result.  So far, so good.

The 8,000 – 12,000 pound elephant represents your emotional side. Sure the elephant will go along with what the rider says some of the time. In fact, if the elephant is trained, it will go along with the rider almost every time. But here’s the thing: No matter how hard the rider tugs on the elephant’s ears, it can still go where it wants to go and ignore the rider.

Knowing that you should change your habits and behaviors is a bit like the rider trying to take the elephant down a different path. Of course it makes sense, but if the elephant doesn’t want to do it, you’re not going!

So how do we make real, lasting change?  First, get the rider on-board. (Committed to the change? Check.) Then, rather than try to get the elephant on-board, change the path!

By changing the path – not giving the elephant options to stray down the same old path – the elephant has fewer options and the rider has less to struggle against. Soon, if the path has changed, the elephant will begin to develop new habits on a new path. This is exactly what we want!

So, to make it practical, here’s a change model to implement:

1) Decide what you want to change and commit to something new. Be fully, intellectually committed to a new way of doing things. (The rider must be on-board.)

2) Determine WHY the changes are important to you. Find emotional resonance with the new way. Determine why you want things to be different and how you and others will benefit. (Motivate the elephant.)

3) Look around and make some changes in your environment. Make it easy to do things the new way and difficult to do things the old way. (Change the path.)

How can you change the path?  That depends on your situation, but here are some examples:

• Pack your gym bag the night before and text your workout buddy to make sure he/she is meeting you at the gym tomorrow.
• Make a list when you go to the grocery store and only buy what is on the list. Don’t include things like Twinkies! If they aren’t in the house, you can’t be tempted to eat them!
• Buy smaller dinner plates to help control portion size and put away leftovers before you sit down to eat. (That way you won’t be tempted to a second helping!)
• Join a commitment or goal setting group so that your intentions are made PUBLIC! Get a friend to join with you so your odds of actually attending increase.
• When shopping, use the largest bill you have ($100 are the best) and NEVER use a credit card. It’s amazingly more difficult to break a $100 than it is to swipe a card.

Depending on your situation, there are countless ways to change the path. Awareness and a little planning go a long way to making lasting change.

But what thoughts race through your mind?  More importantly, what thoughts race through your mind about YOU?

As I work with clients to help them improve their attitude about the world around them, we consistently find that their self-talk – the thoughts they have about themselves and the things they say about themselves – are often reinforcing their shortcomings.

Any good marketing professional will tell you that one key to getting a message across is repetition.  Think about the slogans of some of the big companies we all know – Nike, McDonalds, Coca Cola.  Their “catch phrases” come to mind because we are bombarded with them.  They’re everywhere – TV, newspapers, the internet, in stores, billboards, movie houses, etc.  Repetition is critical to getting us to remember their message.

Back to our self-talk.

What are the things you say about yourself?  Do you berate yourself when you make a mistake with thoughts of “That was stupid!” or “I should have known better!”? Not only do these thoughts not help you, they hold you back.  The repetition of a negative thought deepens your belief in that thought.

You might say, “I only say those things, I really don’t believe them.”  If the first thing that comes to mind or pops out of your mouth is self-defeating, then you believe it.

If you have success and your thoughts are, “I got lucky.” or “That never happens to me.” or some other “blow it off” thought, you’re reinforcing the same message as failure.  I often work with clients to help them own their successes!  Instead of “I got lucky.” try “I thought it would work.” or “I knew I’d do it!”  What a difference it makes in your attitude and your belief in yourself!

Even though you might be stuck in a rut of defeatist thinking, that’s OK.  It’s just where you’ve been, and maybe where you are – but it’s not where you have to be.  With awareness (which you now have) and a little focus, you can change that self-talk and replace it with something positive!  It’s not difficult, it’s just different and takes a little practice.

The next time you make a mistake, rather than beat yourself up over it, say something like, “I just learned something.  Next time I’m doing it differently.”  The next time you have success, own it with thoughts such as “I did it.” or “That’s what I expected.” If it feels braggadocios, keep it to yourself.

The real question is, “If you had friends that talked to you like you talk to you, would they still be your friends?”