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You are NOT Your Addiction to Sex or Pornography
I’ve talked with many clients who come to see me with a belief that they are addicted to sex or pornography. The belief is that THEY ARE AN ADDICT. And, that belief is difficult for many of them to separate from any other belief they have about themselves.
“I’m a husband who is addicted to pornography.” ”I’m a father who is addicted to sex.” “I’m less of a man than guys I know because I’m addicted.” “I’m addicted to sex and that makes me a slut.”
As you might imagine, soon the beliefs about addiction become so entangled in beliefs about self that they blend together and the person cannot see themselves as anything other than an addict. This makes it hard to break free from the addiction.
The truth is this: YOU ARE NOT YOUR ADDICTION.
Recently one of our group members was talking about his addiction as a “monster” inside of him. The group built on that concept and we found separation between the monster that is the addiction and the men sitting in the room. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME.
As you feed the monster, it grows. When you don’t feed it, it gets angry and makes noise (cravings). Many people give in to those cravings and the monster grows more.
If you don’t feed the monster, it dies. It may take a while, and it may be uncomfortable when the monster is screaming and you’re trying to ignore it. The truth is though, if you don’t feed it, the monster will die.
And that thinking (I am NOT my addiction, it is separate from the real me) is a great first step to beating your addiction, avoiding relapse and understanding cravings.
Beating Sexual or Pornography Addiction on Your Own
This is tough. Beating an addiction, any addiction, on your own is hard work. When you get stuck, where do you turn? What do you say to your loved ones to explain what is happening to you, to them, to your relationships? Where do you turn to understand your addiction so you can make the lasting change you want?
I’m not recommending that you attempt to beat an addiction to sex or pornography on your own. But, there are some great books on the topic that can be very beneficial in understanding your addiction and how to start the process of getting better.
I’ve recommended all these to clients in group therapy and in individual therapy. We often refer to them in session to deepen the client’s learning and understanding. Some of my favorite books on the topic are:
Out Of The Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Dr. Patrick Carnes This is a great read for the addicted individual and adult family members.
Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery by Dr. Kevin B. Skinner This book is for the addicted individual and is full of introspective exercises to shed light on your addiction and begin the process of moving through it.
Breaking The Cycle by George N. Collins, MA This is another book for the addicted individual and explores Mr. Collins’ own battle and those of many clients he has worked with.
Will reading a book about sexual addition or pornography addiction restore your marriage, rebuild friendships, save your job or provide the lifestyle free of addiction that you’re seeking? Probably not. But, when coupled with individual, group and family therapy your odds for beating your addiction go way, way up!
Sexual Addiction and the Power of Family Therapy
The most effective therapy for sexual addiction and pornography addiction is a combination of individual, group and family therapies. Today, let’s take a look at the power of family therapy.
(The benefits of group therapy have been chronicled in a previous post.)
In family therapy the person struggling with the addiction and their family members can all benefit. The “problem” is not the person or their behaviors, it is the impact on the family system. Other members of the family begin seeing the addict as a problem or somehow broken. Rather than help with a sexual or pornography addiction, often times family members will find it “disgusting” or “dirty” or “wrong”. These judgements only serve to punish the addict and send them deeper into their addiction – searching for something to help them feel good and/or forget about their problems.
Family therapy is an opportunity to educate the person struggling, and their family members, about sexual or pornography addiction. As the family system begins to understand the addiction cycle, triggers, rituals and the guilt and shame involved, compassion and understanding begin to surface. When that happens, the opportunity for healing and support emerges.
For family members, or co-addicts, their worlds have often changed in ways they can’t recognize. They realize that things are different but their either not sure how or, if they are aware of the addiction, they become embarrassed and will often isolate themselves from friends and family to avoid talking about it. They don’t know what to say or how to act. Family therapy helps them work through the changes the addiction has caused them – allowing them to break free of the addiction, too.
The value of family therapy is far greater than what we’ve covered here, but the idea that all members of a family can benefit from family therapy (including children, with a filter on the addiction content) is powerful, therapeutic and supportive for everyone.
Sexual Addiction and The Power of Group Therapy
The most effective therapy for sexual addiction and pornography addiction is a combination of individual, group and family therapies. Today, let’s take a look at the power of group therapy.
When battling an addiction, it is far better to be in a support group with others who are battling the same addiction. People in sexual addiction support groups report a myriad of positive emotions, some for the first time since their addiction began, that are helpful for recovery. Feeling like they aren’t the only one in the world with these thoughts or feelings. Knowing that they have support and that they are not being judged. Feeling accepted as a person, not a person with an addiction or brokenness. Gaining understanding through the stories of others. Relief at being able to tell their secrets, not having to keep them in, but being able to share.
These are but a few of the emotional benefits group members report. Additionally, pornography and sex addicts get the support of their peers, have someone to hold them accountable to abstinence – someone other than their partner (which is a huge difference), feel welcome for the first time in a long time, and they’re able to relax and let go of the anxiety or depression of life without relapsing.
Still other benefits include when group members share their relapse prevention strategies (some developed in individual counseling) and others benefit from the same or similar strategies. It feels good to help others and bring new ideas to the group, it also feels good to learn from each other and gain new tools.
If you or someone you love is struggling with sexual addiction or pornography addiction, make sure they are utilizing all 3 approaches to therapy – individual, family and group therapies.
Sexual Addiction: What should I tell my partner?
This question comes up with almost every client when I’m working with someone with sexual addiction or pornography addiction. The answer is two-fold and both areas are more complex than we can address here, but let’s at least get started…
If your spouse or partner knows about your addiction he or she has probably expressed feelings of shame, embarrassment, not being good enough or sexy enough, not understanding, etc. Once your partner knows about your addiction, involving him or her in your journey is critical. Should you tell him/her everything on your mind, everything you think about, everything discussed in therapy?
This might meet with some debate, but my opinion is “no”. Your partner needs to be involved, but how involved and how much you share is up to you. More is better, but everything doesn’t need to be shared. Some things are better shared with your partner in session, with your therapist present. Some things are personal and are “in process” – until you understand it yourself, it’s hard to explain and share with clarity.
Most people who struggle with sexual addiction or pornography addiction on their own, while in a committed relationship, struggle more than those who share. Keeping the secret while you’re experiencing withdrawal symptoms, for example, simply confuses your partner about the behavior they witness. At the same time, if your partner doesn’t understand your addiction, sharing your journal will create confusion and problems.
In this situation, your partner needs to know what is going on and be involved. It is critical that he/she understand the addiction and what you’re experiencing.
Telling them can be scary. “Will he/she leave me?” “Will they understand?” “Will they think I’m strange, weird, perverted, sick?” “Will they still one me?” These are difficult emotions to deal with and the possible outcomes are hard to imagine.
If your partner doesn’t know, it’s important to talk with your counselor to make a plan to talk with your partner. Individual, group and family (couples) therapy combine for the most successful outcomes when dealing with an addiction to sex or pornography.
For your future, it’s important that your partner is involved and knows what’s going on.
Pornography Addiction: Recognizing Relapse
If you’ve struggled with pornography addiction or know someone who has, you or they have probably gone days or weeks without viewing pornography, then relapsed. Often the person goes from feeling good about several days or weeks of abstinence to feeling terrible guilt or shame about the relapse. Let’s look at how to avoid relapse in the future.
Usually, if we’re aware of our actions, thoughts and behaviors, we can recognize the signs of a relapse and take action before it’s too late. Start this process by thinking about the last time you used pornography – What was going on in your life right before? Were you alone? Did you have a bad day? Did you have a fight with someone? Were you angry, frustrated or pissed off? Were you bored and looking for something to do?
Now take inventory of your physical sensations. What physical sensations were you feeling – racing heartbeat, sweaty palms, excitement? Flatness, boredom or apathy?
If you can see a pattern or trend in what is happening in your life just before you use pornography, you can begin to recognize your triggers and take different actions.
Make a plan as to what actions you’ll take. For some people it’s reading. For others it’s journaling. For still others it’s calling a friend, playing musical instrument, painting, drawing, etc.
It’s about having a plan to do something that will take your mind off the triggers of your addiction.
Key points for successful relapse prevention: Create your plan in advance, write your plan down, review it while you’re abstinent, share it with someone you trust.
Spend a little time up-front to think about what triggers relapse, create a plan when those triggers occur and you’re far more likely to avoid relapse when the cravings start.
Do I Have a Sexual Addiction?
Clients will either call or come in and ask me this question, “Do you think I have a sexual addiction (or pornography addiction)?” It can be a tough question to answer and one that may not be as cut and dry as “yes” and “no”.
There are some questions though, that if answered can help clarify if there is an addiction present. Let’s consider some of those questions…
Has the amount of time you spend looking at pornography, masturbating, or engaged in sexual activities increased?
Do your thoughts return to sexual or pornographic content when you are bored or alone?
Are you keeping secrets about your sexual activity or use of pornography?
Have others asked about your sexual activity or use of pornography?
If you were able to answer “yes” to any of these questions there’s a chance you have a sexual addiction or pornography addiction. Is it a certainty? No, but it is something to consider and I’d suggest you find a counselor who understands sexual and pornography addiction and be open and honest with them about your activities. If you (collectively) think you have an addiction, the good news is that recovery is possible.
Don’t use these questions as the ONLY indicator of addiction. If you think you or someone you know has a problem with sex or pornography, talk with a professional counselor who understands the issue and can offer a professional opinion.
Sexual Addiction and Anger
I recently met with a client who has an addiction to pornography and sex. If you’re not familiar with these – and many people seem to simply say “just stop” – they are very real and very powerful. This particular client also has anger management issues – something that I often see with addictions. The question then, might be “Why are anger and addictions often concomitant?”
The thoughts of people struggling with addiction are often consumed by their “drug of choice” (which of course may be a drug, but which also may be sex, pornography, gambling, eating, or any other addictive substance or behavior). Not having sex or pornography in their life creates anxiety. The addicted individual may begin to believe that the way to lessen the anxiety – the only way – is to view pornography or engage in the sexual act. When they attempt not to do this, but their thoughts continue to focus on their addiction, anger and frustration flare up inside the person and they can become a “walking time bomb”.
What can you do as someone addicted to pornography or sex to combat your anger? It’s a tough question to answer generically, but there is an answer. Look beyond your anger – look deeper. Ask yourself, “What or who am I truly angry at?” Often the anger is a cover for shame, embarrassment, guilt or other negative self-limiting emotions or beliefs. Anger can be a way to avoid the “hard work” and it may even be a reason to return to your addiction (because the angry emotions go away when you’re viewing porn or engaged in sexual activities).
When you find the real source of your anger, you’re on your way to recovery and beating your addiction. It’s difficult work on your own – find a therapy group or counselor to help unpack your anger and start the recovery process.
The Beliefs Behind Sexual Addiction
Over several posts we’ll look at many of the different aspects of sexual addiction in order to better understand the grip sexual addiction and pornography addiction have on our loved ones and possibly on ourselves.
One of the beliefs I hear from clients struggling with sexual addiction or pornography addiction has to do with getting their needs met. Often the person believes that their needs cannot be met by others, that it’s not OK to share their needs or ask for what they want. Of course the belief can take many subtle forms, but it often involves a lack of belief that others care about them, that asking for what they want is selfish, that no one else cares enough to give them what they need, and that it’s up to them and them alone to get what they need.
Family members can help, but the core issue is that the person struggling with the addiction has to understand their belief and work to change the belief from the inside. This can be a long road, but is the way to lasting recovery.
So how does viewing pornography or performing sexual acts get this need met? Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes these actions are ways to escape from the feelings associated with the beliefs that the person is alone and no one cares enough to meet their needs. (Of course this is often not “true”, but it is the person’s “truth”.)
We all have sexual needs – we’re sexual beings – but the person struggling with addiction has the belief that their needs can’t be met through regular means, so their addiction is a way to get needs met.
Understanding their beliefs and working to make positive change in their thoughts and beliefs is one step in beating their addiction.
The Beliefs Behind Sexual Addiction
Over several posts we’ll look at many of the different aspects of sexual addiction in order to better understand the grip sexual addiction and pornography addiction have on our loved ones and possibly on ourselves.
Clients who struggle with sexual addiction or pornography addiction tell me about their beliefs about the world, about themselves and about others. This is often a complex, confusing discussion. Focusing in the world of beliefs is often the key to unraveling the basis of their sexual addiction. The basic beliefs support their addiction – the person struggling with the sexual addiction often cannot see another more healthy belief as being at all plausible or true.
One of the key beliefs has to do with self. Often the person struggling with addiction tells me that they believe they aren’t as important as others, that they don’t matter as much as others, that they don’t count. These beliefs run through the mind of someone with addiction over and over. At one level the person doesn’t trust the belief, but at some level they have found over time that it is true. One way to escape the repetitive thoughts is to find a way to preoccupy their mind with something else – an escape.
With substance addiction, people will talk about their “drug of choice”. It works the same way with sexual addiction and pornography addiction. When the person finds something that works to slow their negative self-thoughts and create relief, that behavior becomes their “drug of choice”.
When the “right” thing is found that creates relief of negative self-talk and holds those beliefs at bay – even for a short time – it can be the beginning of an addiction.
One of the paths to overcoming the addiction is to investigate those beliefs and come to the realization that the beliefs are NOT true and to learn new, self-supporting beliefs.
